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quotes from tv You can never have too much money, too big a diamond, or too much hair. - bald woman on Geraldo Boo! Chilly! Buffalo! - Tom Suiter, sports guy on WRAL TV Raleigh When you strike gold, you should stop digging. - Oldest Living Bridesmaid Life is a blip on a radar screen. - TV show Murphy Brown As long as you're traveling, you're always right where you want to be. - TV show Life Goes On Life is a bittersweet waltz. - TV show Life Goes On You can't eat the view. - 20/20 on ABC The buck stops before it gets here. - Comic Strip Live 1991 Touch my heart and my body follows. - Betty White in a Gitano commercial Women don't want dates on their condoms, they want condoms on their dates. - Jay Leno Show 'em what you're made of Buddy Bear! - Tigger I can't afford her champagne tastes on my Dr. Pepper wages. - Michael on Newhart Love is confusing enough without your friends getting in the way. - Young Riders I may not be in harmony with the universe but I'm learning the tune.- L.A. Law Men are pigs. Pure pork sausage. - The Commish Hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere. And to the rest of you, the secret is to rub the sticks together. - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. - TV commercial It doesn't matter what you love, as long as you love it totally, completely, and unconditionally. - Cheer's last episode Put what happened tonight in a bottle and cork it. It was vintage Urkel. - Family Matters He's not running a temperature but yet he babbles like a fool. - Thea To the Capital. - Thea That lovelorn spider is weaving her web and you've got fly written all over you. - Mama's Family Did somebody hear a segue fly through here? - Late Night with David Letterman I couldn't help but notice your pretzels. - TV commercial There's a 48-hour stretch in between Friday and Monday. - TV commericial I'm going to look for a love that fits. - All My Children I'm glad I'm not rich enough to know how sick I am. - Law & Order Not now, Popeye. - Law & Order 779's the Charm. - 1993 World Series ...gives good woo. - Beverly Hills 90210 Put out the good towels. We may be having company. - Seaquest DSV Color me rejected! - Step By Step This is the left channel. Center and surround. - Worf from Star Trek TNG before show feed kicked in on satellite Color me shocked! - Law & Order He's like a needle in a compass. He points true north and that's you. - Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman Good nuts! - Late Night with David Letterman It's a gift. - Bob Saget on America's Funniest Home Videos If you were any dumber, you'd require fertilizer. - Brandon on Beverly Hills 90210 Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. - Seinfeld I hope there's an afterlife. For some crimes, the penal law is inadequate. - Law & Order A distraction is only a distraction if you pay attention to it. - Wade on Grace Under Fire Legally, that's illegal. - Melrose Place ...that big ball in the sky. - Channel 7 News Eighty percent of who it is is already who. - about a baby being born on Northern Exposure We've got some pink little feet that need some heat. - knitting classes on Northern Exposure It's like it's his world and we pay the rent. - Jamal on All My Children You've got preposition trouble. - Tad on All My Children People come along with so much baggage that just sits in your hallway of life until it starts to stink. - Blossom I might just kill her. What the heck, she's already brain dead. - Taylor about Julia on All My Children As stubborn as a rusted pump handle. - Opal on All My Children The Lunch Police. - TV commercial If I was the last person on earth, there'd be someone waiting in front of me to make a left-hand turn. - All My Children Don't drool on my Integra. Woof. Woof. - TV commercial ...eyes like pools of hot fudge. - All My Children 6.1.94 You two should congeal on top of a pond somewhere. - Trevor on All My Children My hands are upstairs. - Late Night with David Letterman You're dialing the wrong number. - Anton on All My Children about someone on the wrong track I'm standing in the middle of a soap opera and I'm missing episodes. - TV movie ...and Rose Kennedy shouldn't keep her black dress pressed. - NYPD Blue, in response to a lie Send me no more messengers. - All My Children Pack me, and don't leave without me. - Dick Van Dyke Show Between life and death lies hope. - TV promo Try to be someone's hero. - All My Children There's nothing in America that will set you up for failure faster than success. - Late Show with David Letterman For those of you with God in your life, please make contact now. - Chicago Hope Someone's playing phone tag and I'm it. - Erica on All My Children She shot ya in the hat? - Due South Candy-coated miracle. - TV commercial You couldn't find me with a divining rod. - Demitri on All My Children Accidents are a fool's explanation of destiny. - Murphy Brown I'm in a canoe with two wounded mounties. - Due South ...and what if the moon were made of chicken fat? - Palmer on All My Children You're still my angel, but you're nobody's fool. - Tad to Dixie on All My Children If men were ships, she'd be the Panama Canal. - Chris on Silk Stalkings Adventures come in all shapes and sizes. - Northern Exposure Blaze a trail! - Northern Exposure It's the fire under the ass of the American people. - Northern Exposure on curiosity You can't speak of the ocean to a well-frog. You can't speak of ice to a summer insect. - Home Improvement Keep circling the bowl til the suction takes you down. - NYPD Blue One man's life altering experience is another man's tenderloin. - Joel on Northern Exposure Dreams are the woofers and tweeters of the entire sound system. - Chris on Northern Exposure Fireworks, snare drums, and shooting stars. - Jackson on All My Children We never know who our friends are going to turn out to be sometimes, do we? - Maria on All My Children One man's poison is another man's soup-of-the-day. - Noah on All My Children Why are you always answering a question with a question? It's like talking to a rubber wall. - Chips ...about as subtle as a fist. - All My Children Life begins when you sit at the big table. - TV commercial Fresh-baked perspective. - Northern Exposure Sometimes work soaks up five times its weight in worry. - All My Children In the wrong hands, truth can be like a hammer. - Jonathon on Seaquest DSV The crash site of unrequited love.... - Chris on Northern Exposure with Billie Holliday playing in the background Even a broken clock is right twice a day. - Ortiz on Seaquest DSV I'm in the parking lot of life and everyone else is going somewhere. - O'Neill on Seaquest DSV I feel like a football at a baseball game. - O'Neill on Seaquest DSV I wouldn't let you pet my dog. - Noah on All My Children Feels like you're grabbing the wheel. - All My Children, on someone trying to run your life That's a prison sentence waiting to happen. - Belinda on All My Children People don't have to put a gun in your face to rob you of something. - Belinda on All My Children I'm just one more duck detective working with a pig. - MTV You have the sensitivity of a lead pipe. - Brook to Adam on All My Children Exercise is an anti-depressant. - Brook on All My Children To wing this I'd have to be a condor. - Erica on All My Children ...germs with footed pajamas. - what babies are to Joel Fleischman on Northern Exposure We all have the jungle inside us. - Ruth on Northern Exposure Somewhere between the monestary and the madhouse is the man or woman of our dreams. - Jackson on All My Children That's an up elevator. - Chris on Northern Exposure, on something positive I was the cops. - Trevor on All My Children Are you out of your tree? - Sophie on All My Children You kept opening my little door but that little light just didn't go on until just now. - Opal on All My Children You're so quiet we'll have to have you belled like a cat. - Erica on All My Children If something was really worth seeing, it would be on cable. - Corona TV commercial The Grand Canyon - That Big Crack. - Corona TV commercial It's not what you think you don't know about. It's what you have no idea you don't know about. - Kat on Real World IV Your mind is a very, very dangerous place. - Jackson to Tad on All My Children Date your ex. You've already broken up, you've got nothing to lose. - Coca Cola commercial You've got to own your soul. - Michael on All My Children The job that ate my life. - Tad on All My Children I was running around here like a twister in Kansas. - Andrew on The Bonnie Hunt Show I feel like the first five minutes of Quantum Leap. - Jay on Real World IV I fell in love with you. I intend to fall apart with you. - Tim on Home Improvement Her mouth is as loose as her screws. - Amanda on Melrose Place She's made so many enemies there isn't any room left on the grassy knoll. - Allison on Melrose Place Vintage machismo bottled in Bond. - A & E Biography on 007 You want better kids, you've got to be better parents. - The More You Know TV commercial Goodnight. Sleep tight. First thing in the a.m. reality bites. - Kelsey on All My Children The sidewalk made an appearance in Indianpolis today. - TV news guy on 5 pm news after 1st snow storm of the 95-96 season Today you're lucky if all you get is pregnant. - Kelsey on All My Children We love who we love because of who they are. - Adam on All My Children I remember every wish you ever made. How else do you expect me to make them come true? - Tad on All My Children This planet is in a bad neighborhood. - 3rd Rock from the Sun Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. - Batman and Robin You'll be all right. You're a big bee. - TV commercial If you are going to look at life with your eyes, then Santa Claus is just going to be a big, fat man in a red suit. But if you look at life with your heart, Santa Claus is St. Nick, the Spirit of Christmas. - Myrtle on All My Children Sometimes you don't know what you think until you hear what you say. - Michael on All My Children Someday your prince will fit into your schedule. - Adam to Liza on All My Children I would be honored to be your Sergeant. - Skye on All My Children Don't think! Imagine! Dare! - Red on All My Children Everybody's on the rebound from something. - Red on All My Children People are either radiators or drains. - TV commercial What is success and failure in life? How do you know which is which? - Troublesome Creek on PBS Women have to feel good in order to do good. - Oprah Winfrey Show Romance is easy. Love is hard work. - Joe on All My Children It's blowing away little pickles everywhere. - TV commercial How's the weather on the Island of Denial? - Tad on All My Children Catholics move at the speed of wood. - Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect I've living in the fast lane but I'm being towed. - Nightline You can't bring home an elephant and expect it to purr. - Oprah Winfrey Show With mud in your wings, you cannot fly. - Oprah Winfrey Show There is no strength where there is no struggle. - Oprah Winfrey Show You're so transparent, you're not even there. - Brook on All My Children We're Americans. We pioneered. We frontiered. - TV commercial You take being shallow to new depths. - Gillian on All My Children Romance is easy. Love is hard work. - Joe Martin on All My Children 8.14.97 I don't know what you're taking, but cut the dosage in half. - TV preview Cane killed Abel and he didn't have to watch NYPD Blue to do it. - CNN on the V-chip A little chicken music, please. - The Colonel on KFC commercial Maybe it didn't happen to you, maybe it happened for you. - Jeannie on ER Maybe life is not about what happens to us, maybe it's about how we deal with what happens to us. - Jeannie on ER Not only will he tear up your meal ticket, he'll grab the fork out of your hand and stab you with it. - David on All My Children Savage Baggage Masters. - 70s Samsonite commercial The play is the thing. - Axel on All My Children, regarding All Work and No Play History isn't about time spent, it's about depth of field. - paraphrased from All My Children The Nobel Disturbing the Peace Prize. - Eight is Enough My conscience is so clean, you can dine on it. - David on All My Children I'm my worst eskimo. - Sean on Boy Meets World Hobo's have been living off of pigeon jerky for years. - Olly on Sifl & Olly May in Indianapolis is something you can experience no where else in the world. - Channel 6 sports guy, referring to the Indy 500 Why not colonize Mars? You're both lost in space. - Ruth on All My Children I don't want to just rain on your parade, I want to blow up all the floats. - Munch on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit I don't know why they're naked. - Alex Trebek on Jeopardy about elves who make shoes in a Grimm Tale You lead, follow, or get out of the way. - Dodge Intrepid commercial Feel the teeth. - host on Hollywood Squares Kareoke is Japanese for tone-deaf. - TV commercial Live life. Make sparks. - TV commercial Dead women don't shop. - Janet on All My Children It's like putting an amp in a plate of curry. - Derek of Spinal Tap on VH-1s The List, referring to the electric sitar I'm competing with the memory of them, and all their lost potential. - Greenley on All My Children Take me to your soup kitchen. - Leo on All My Children It's not the destination, it's the drive. - TV commercial They're starting to die on us. Partners in love, marriage, and kareoke. - TV show I think it's glue. - TV show segment title Mother superior was not happy. - TV show segment title I'm chipped beef on toast? - Holling on Northern Exposure Conspiracies hatched in hell don't have angels as witnesses. - FBI Files New Detectives, 2000 There are five stages of grief. Try not to go through them all at once. - Munch on Law & Order SVU Don't lead with your face. - Eddie Olzcyk, Pittsburgh Penguins color commentator, 1.30.01 You are poisoned by the disgusting scent of entitlement. - Hayley on All My Children Do you believe in miracles?! - sports announcer during waning seconds when the U.S. beat the Russians in the 1980 Olympics A big white target. - Brian Williams on NBC News, regarding the White House He wants yer nuggest. - tv commercial A song and a snack can turn any moment into an occasion. - Emmet on Queer as Folk Kaspar makes him MOVE! - Pittsburgh Penguins color commentator Mike Lange about his partner Eddie Olzcyk, 2.23.01 That Kaspar, he's a cutey! - Stan Savran of FoxSportsNet SportsBeat, about Darius Kasparaitis, 2.28.01 I gotta pay the rent while I'm dreaming. - Adrian on All My Children about keeping his day job Have you met our parents? - brother to sister on SciFi's Lost in Space Science doesn't lie to cover it's slutty tracks. - Strip Mall, 3.4.01 One man's trash is another man's amphibious vehicle. - Junkyard Wars on TLC Chataeu Bow Wow! - Eddie Olzcyk, Penguins color commentator, on being in the dog house 3.27.01 Second Tuesday of next week? - Eddie Olzcyk, Penguins color commentator on never A post-apocalyptic Jane Austen with welding goggles. - TV commercial for Junkyard Wars on TLC Next stop: Chunkyville. Once is commentary. Twice is a trend. - Leo on All My Children Cheese Doodles DO save lives. - Food Network's TV show "Snacks Unwrapped" 5.24.01 Houston, I haven't shit in a week. - fake photo caption on Dennis Miller Live 5.25.01 We may have been napping on the porch there. - Dennis Miller on his show, regarding Pearl Harbor 5.25.01 It's got to be the going, and not the getting there, that's good. - TV commercial Sustaining ignorance is hard work. - Law & Order Senseless garage door destruction. - TV commercial It's hard to meditate on amphetamines. - Eagles' Joe Walsh on Drew Carrey's Showtime Improv All-Stars 6.01 Let the wind comb your hair once in awhile. - TV commercial Are those big brown eyes just for decoration? - Taylor on All My Children I'm as mixed up and confused as ever, how are you? - Julia to Anton on All My Children There's a fine line between caring and nagging; you're very close to the line. - TV movie I hate these people like the heat of a nova. - Toby Ziegler on The West Wing Every other car is a Lincoln Navigator with an "Earth First" bumper sticker. - Dennis Miller on his show 4.17.01 We all have our "Armageddons." - Jay Leno to Ben Affleck 7.01 The military is innovating itself right out of business. Pretty soon there will be nothing left to shoot at. - History Channel's The Most Lets grab a spitoon and hick it up a notch. - Greg Kilborn on his show, 8.10.01 Can we kick this dog along, then? - Tat Whalley as Rick Allen in Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story Look at it as survival of the fittest. We'd be Chuck Darwin's favorite band. - Tat Whalley as Rick Allen regarding Def Leppard in Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story No child is safe from the rolling tube of flannel. - Tom Bergeron on America's Funniest Home Videos 8.3.01 Are you saying Beethoven brought down the building? - CSI Wake up and taste the chicken. - Wendy's commercial You don't know Jacksonville. - VH-1 commercial I couldn't have color-coded it better myself. - Jon Stewart on the Daily Show 8.14.01 That marriage couldn't have been more about convenience if they'd had a Slim Jim rack in the bedroom. - Dennis Miller on his show 7.13.01 about the Clintons This mosh pit of humanity. - Dennis Miller on his show 7.13.01 Cats don't come with brakes. - TV commercial Adapt to a new reality. - ABC News 10.9.01 after terrorist attacks I still believe in the romance of the sea. - Travel Channel show on Voyager of the Sea Don't hog the nuts. - TV commericial There's nothing like a good nauseating art show. - CNN 9.5.01 You have to keep the people that hate you away from those that are undecided. - Bill Maher on Politically Incorrect 9.26.01 Some punks love to hear the mime scream. - ER 10.11.01 We're doing a fine job of scaring ourselves. - Ted Koppel on Nightline 10.12.01 These are boomtimes for idiots. - Ted Koppel on Nightline 10.12.01 I square-danced twice in towns you've never heard of. - Vincent Vaughn on Late Show with David Letterman 11.08.01 We can't get rid of bad, but we can do good. - Chris Osborne on Jay Leno 11.13.01 There ain't no speed limit on the shoulder. - TV commercial Don't send a boy-band to do a man's job. - TV commercial Life is an ongoing project. - TV commercial If you have one foot in tomorrow and the other foot in yesterday, you'll piss on today. - Michael on Queer as Folk Justice favors the unforgotten. - New Detectives on Discovery channel Tipping is for cows. - TV commercial Watch out for those cherry blossoms. - Weather channel While you were out, your life called. You're late! - TV commercial Where are the King's enchiladas? - TV commercial It's 10 pm. Do you know where your Mojo is? - VH1 commercial Sometimes you need a Y chromosome. - Trading Spaces If I wanted to read a book, I'd buy it on tape. - Dennis Miller Live 3.29.02 Love is an antidote to instincts. - JAG 09.10.02 There's no such thing as a good looking fruit bat. - Travel Channel's World's Best: Bizarre Creatures 10.03.02 One man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist. - David Lee Miller on Fox News 10.30.02 Babies are not water balloons. - Shepherd Smith on Fox News 11.19.02 They shoot abortion doctors, don't they? - Lenny on Law & Order A giant cow makes people smile. - TV commercial Follow the sound of my pants. - Hidden Hills 1.14.03 Keep it pithy. - Bill O'Reilly on FoxNews' The Factor Syria - Disneyland for terrorists. - Tony Snow on FoxNews 3.22.03 Jesus is not a Yorkshire Terrier. - Jay Leno on The Tonight Show 3.25.03 If you see interns made of clay, don't hire them. - Conan O'Brien on his show 5.15.03 Ya gotta bring your own shoes. - John Davidson on "E-True Hollywood Stories" about "Hollywood Squares" regarding replacing the previous host A grain of sand in the beach of sadness that they felt. - commentary on the publication of a new book about JFK Jr. about the Kennedy family's reaction He loves to flash his weapon. - Fox's America's Most Wanted, about a criminal they are searching for It's a haunted spit. - Ozzy on The Osbournes 7.22.03 I want my head back. - TV commercial on 11.17.03 If you can't draw a straight line from a steak dinner to a donkey in the garage, then I can't help you. - Jim Belushi on According to Jim How many big cartoon stars come into this place? - Daffy Duck on TV commercial Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party. - Robin Williams on his HBO special He's got some good advice, Winnie the Pooh. - Orlando Bloom on So Graham Norton Where's the upside for the guy standing in the hedge? - Cold Case A kiss is the Christmas Eve of sex. - Boston Legal 12.19.04 A grain of sand in the beach of sadness that they felt. - Fox News 7.8.03 on new book on Kennedys Heroes can happen at any time. - Concert 4 America on NBC 9.11.02 I must've been buying popcorn. I missed a few reels. - Opal on AMC ...the four horsemen of the inflationary apocalypse. - David Darst, FOX TV financial analyst 3.10.05 We read that in "Who Cares" Magazine. - David Space on SNL 3.12.05 It IS an encyclopedia. No ish. - TV commercial 10.30.04 The wilderness is the great equalizer. - 100 Scariest Movie Moments 10.30.04 Coleman almost went out of business. - 100 Scariest Movie Moments regarding the movie Deliverance 10.30.04 This is the place where good taste goes to die. - Desparate Housewives 4.10.05 If you hold a tupperware bowl up to your ear, you can hear Kentucky. - comedian on Jay Leno 5.4.05 I don't want to be your gravy. - Grey's Anatomy 5.15.05 If I had a week to live I'd go to Omaha. It would feel like a lifetime. - comedian on Jay Leno 5.4.05 Apparently, catfish like stinky cheese. - TV commercial Mad Ukranian coed film. - Elijah Wood on Leno 10.5.05 You're going to go from being Mark Geragos to being Mark Geragos. - Boston Legal It's hard to see where the beach ends and the trailer park begins. - Fox News 9.20.05 If somebody offers you crumbs, they've got a loaf of bread somewhere. - Commander in Chief tv show 11.1-05 You had the floor long enough to wax it. - Eric Burns on Fox News Watch Color me idealistic. - Numbers 2.3.06 Don't take horse tranquilizers before you go onstage. Everybody knows that. - Riki Rachman talking about Keith Moon's passing out halfway through a concert after taking just that on VH1's Freakiest Concert Moments Truth is a matter of perspective. - Outer Limits tv show Everybody has smiley balls. - Howie Mandell on The Tonight Show If it's not broken, break it. - Sylvester Stallone on The Tonight Show Sometimes evil drives a mini-van. - Desperate Housewives 11.21.04 Power breeds bad ideas. - Awesomely Bad Career Moves on VH1 Cats don't come with brakes. - tv commercial We're not Democrats and Republicans anymore. We're Americans. - Jay Leno on his first show after 9/11 on 9.18.01 Punk was like acid thrown on the bloated corpse of rock and roll. - TV promo 4.17.06 Even if we're jackasses, we should be able to find the airport. - Amazing Race 4.25.06 Just because you have a mullet doesn't make you metal. - Awesomely Bad Metal Songs on VH-1 Don't let a suitcase full of cheese be your big fork and spoon. - Everybody Loves Raymond 6.16.03 After a hard day, nothing beats a soft cookie. - TV commercial 8.3.04 The right thing isn't always the opposite of the wrong thing. - Commander in Chief 11.29.05 Beauty is only a light switch away. - Dail from Top Chef 10.10.07 You can't win with dirt in your food. - Hell's Kitchen 4.29.08 I've never flown on a boat before. - Engineering Connections 5.17.08 I'm Jack Kerouack. I'm beat. - NCIS
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